Because I am a huge hypocrite, I am going to write about the thing that I said only two days ago I was going to steer clear from. I gave a really good reason too; that this blog was going to be a place to explore my thoughts outside of this one task that I performed on a daily, hourly, second-by-second basis.
Yup folks, I'm going to blog about being a mama. No, this does not mean a slow decline into mommy blogging.
The reason I've come to this, is a conversation I had last night with my mother and her partner about motherhood being difficult, and even, not fulfilling for a certain type of woman. My mother claimed that for some women, it was completely fulfilling and for others it wasn't. My argument was that this completely fulfilled woman is a fiction. People have many components to them, and being a mom (basically, caretaker) is not enough to fill every need that a person has. It is a part, but not all.
But what struck me was how offended I got when my mom used me as an example of someone who wasn't entirely fulfilled by the task. I mean, here I am claiming that no woman can be completely fulfilled by motherhood, and at the same time being offended that someone could identify me as being part of their numbers. It doesn't make any sense.
We talked about how mothers throughout history haven't really seemed up to the task, or even interested in it, let alone enjoying rearing their children. I wondered why that was. I mulled it, and slept on it.
What I've come to this morning is that motherhood isn't supposed to make us happy. That is a preoccupation that is modern. It has no place in the primal, millions of years of mammalian motherhood. Like any task it has its terrible moments and its wonderful ones. But it shouldn't be a list of pros and cons. We shouldn't be looking for personal gratification on a daily basis from our kids, because we won't find it. It will make you bitter. Kids aren't built to appreciate what they have, so it seems kind of backwards that we should be expecting them to.
Of course, I am as guilty as the next mama, grumbling and exasperating over who am I now that I'm a mom. Sometimes these children seem to have sucked out what makes me, well, me, and I'm left with nothing but exhaustion at the end of the day. Realistically though, I never knew who I was. I was always in an existential funk, and these kids are now just along for the ride.
Motherhood is just another phase of my life, like adolescence. It's neither good or bad, it just is. Its a means to an end, it's the logical byproduct of sex being pleasurable, of having more love to give than I know what to do with. It was something I wanted to do, because my curiosity is stronger than my caution.
So, when I talk to women who are contemplating motherhood and they tell me that they aren't ready to be a mom, or they're not sure they're going to like it, I can only agree. You probably won't. But you probably won't like whatever comes next, because signing up for humanity means a lot of shitty days are laying in wait for you. Whether you decide to share that with the fruit of your womb or not, the essential fact is that no life will move forward without blandness, heartache, and sorrow.
There's good days too, some ecstatic and others quiet and warm and cozy, but I'm a glass half empty kinda chick. And those good days will also come, regardless of your status as a parent or not.
I love my little people, I love my life. Right now. Ask me when I'm in the car, and my daughter has been screaming bloody murder for two straight hours, and my son keeps telling me I'm the worst mom in the world because I won't share my coffee with him, I may give you a different answer. So, am I fulfilled? Maybe. Is my life hard? Definitely. Was there a path I could have taken that would have made me feel otherwise? No.
I guess my mom was right after all. I am a certain type of woman. I'm the type that is always curious, always begrudging the things that go wrong, and searching for the next thing that could make my life a little more complicated. I'm an adventurer. And so are you.
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