I've been traveling, so pardon my silence after a bout of blogging enthusiasm.
Because I've been traveling, I've been reading magazines such as The Atlantic, which had this very interesting article about female confidence. The basic gist of the thing being that while women usually have the same abilities as men, we are much less likely to ask for raises, go in for promotions, or generally believe in our own competence. And when we don't believe in ourselves neither do our employers. This, says the author, could be the explanation for the ongoing wage gap between genders.
And it's also a double-edged sword. Women who are confident about expressing their ideas are perceived as 'bossy' or 'bitchy'.
It brought to mind a recent interview I had for a design internship. It was probably one of the single worst interviews of my life.
"What do you hope to gain from this opportunity?" The interviewer swivelled wildly back and forth on his chair, glancing intermittently at his laptop. Immediately I felt rushed. Unimportant.
"Well, I think it would be great for networking." I paused, realising that this may sound too much like I was a soulless climber. "But really I would love to work with someone so that I could improve on my confidence to express my design concepts."
He stopped swivelling.
"Confidence?"
"Yes."
"Do you think that people are born with confidence?"
"Um--"
"Work on your skills. Confidence will come later."
I was pretty crushed. In my opinion my skills are at the level of many other designers who have held that same internship. But after reading the article in the Atlantic, I'm struck that maybe what turned off my interviewer was my lack of confidence.
I hate that this is an inherently female quality. I always noticed in university that women would apologize before they made a comment in class. We called it the "I'm sorry but" syndrome. What were they sorry about? Sorry that they had an opinion? Sorry that they had made a noise? Don't be sorry! I wanted to shout. I'm glad you have something you want to say!
But it would seem my smug position of authority wasn't real. I too, am guilty of the confidence gap. I can think of a number of positions that I've convinced myself I'm not perfectly qualified for. In fact, I wanted that internship to bolster my confidence. I wanted to watch a person (preferably a woman, in all honesty) doing the job I wanted to do, at the level I wanted to work at, and performing it confidently. I wanted to see a designer that wasn't being bullied, and didn't shrink away when the banter at the production meeting got a little tense. A woman who knew her worth. Still, design positions are dominated by men. It may be many years before I break into the career that I want. However, instead of being afraid of seeming the upstart, I think I should probably be a little more obnoxious, a little less afraid of stepping on toes. Maybe being remembered for being 'bossy' is better than being forgettably agreeable?
It's a wake up call I'm glad for. I've been concentrating for a long time on my skills, which will never be perfect and will always be improving thanks to the positions I apply and am hired for. What I need to square is my confidence. I think my interviewer was absolutely and completely wrong. Confidence is a component of success, just as much as skill.
So there you go.
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